Woody and His Memoirs

July 13, 2020

When it comes to tell-all memoirs, Woody Allen is the last person I would have thought to open up, but in telling the fascinating story of his life and career, Allen is brutally honest, typically witty, and has written what is easily one of the three or four best autobiographies I have ever read.

Apropos of Nothing (Arcade Publishing) chronicles Allen's life starting as a precocious child growing up in 1940s Brooklyn.  He hated school but loved magic, jazz, girls, and playing hooky to go to Times Square where he immersed himself in the movies.  He particularly liked elegant black and white films with witty banter where the men wore tuxedos and everyone sipped champagne in a penthouse with spectacular views of Manhattan.  He appreciated the irony of living a large part of his adult life in just such a penthouse on Fifth Avenue, until the constant leaks and need for more space forced him to move.

Of his early success while barely out of his teens, Allen refreshingly admits he had an amazing amount of luck.  He also had his eyes on the fairer sex from a very young age, marrying his first wife when she was 17 and he was 20.  His affair and later marriage to second wife Louise Lasser makes for great reading as Allen details Lasser's philandering, eating disorders, and myriad neuroses - in other words, a typical Woody Allen character.
 

The book spends a lot of time on Allen's early years, so much so I was starting to worry when he would get to the movies.  But don't fret - he concisely covers each of his 60+ films with just enough detail and perspective that the book never lags. 

Of particular note are:

• His abundant praise for Gene Wilder during filming of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask (1972).    "[W]hile it had some funny things in it," Allen writes of the film, "it was not my finest moment, although it was one of Gene Wilder's.  What a talent.  In one scene he goes to sleep at night and keeps his wristwatch on.  I said, 'You always keep your wristwatch on when you go to sleep at night?'  He said, 'Yeah, doesn't everyone?'  He might have been eccentric, but how many guys can act that brilliantly opposite a sheep?"
   
• Jack Nicholson was the first choice to play the Michael Caine role in Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).  As much as Nicholson wanted to do the picture, he had promised to star in Prizzi's Honor (1985) for John Huston, father of his on-and-off girlfriend Anjelica Huston.  Huston had not gotten the green light yet, but Nicholson had to make himself available.  Although Allen wrote the part as an American, he could not pass up Michael Caine as Nicholson's replacement.  The result was Caine won his first Oscar and Prizzi's Honor was a big commercial and critical hit, earning Nicholson another one of many Oscar nominations.  I rank Hannah as Allen's masterpiece, and I also think it's Caine's finest performance on film, but it's interesting to imagine Nicholson killing it in the same role.
   
• Allen has an overall negative view of his work, which is not news, but he does actually admit he thinks not so harshly of several of them: Stardust Memories (1980), A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (1982), The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985), Husbands and Wives (1992), Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993), and Match Point (2005).  Of Hollywood Ending (2002), which I consider his worst feature film, he thought it came out well and was funny, although it was one of his least successful efforts, both critically and commercially.

Like the very best memoirs, you can hear Allen's distinct voice as you turn each page.  This is a book that does not insult the reader (I had to look up more words than I can remember with any other book) but also remains very readable and thoroughly engaging.

Although Woody Allen was one of my childhood heroes, his aura of neurotic aloofness led me to believe he was not a particularly nice person.  That may be so, but after reading Apropos of Nothing, I came away with a newfound respect for the man.  I had no idea he was such a foodie, and loved his veneration of Chinese food, Jewish deli, and, his all-time favorite, spare ribs.  Of recalling the first time he saw Mort Sahl perform, Allen writes, "To say that I was blown away by Mort Sahl - it would be like when I first tasted spare ribs."  I am in no rush, however, to try one of his breakfast creations, a half-full coffee cup of Rice Krispies into which he cracks two three-and-a-half minute soft-boiled eggs, adds some salt, and stirs.  His telling of his morning ritual to Emma Stone leads him believe it was the reason she stopped all communication with him.

The book's front cover is brilliant in its simplicity - author name, title, and the word "autobiography," all in Allen's customary opening titles format of Windsor white letters against a black background.  The back author photo is a recent one of Allen at home taken by Diane Keaton, his once girlfriend and lifelong confidante.  When I pick up a celebrity memoir, the two things I immediately turn to are the index and the photo section, two things this book does not have.

I was a little surprised by a number of (minor) factual errors, often about the Oscars.  While it makes sense he would never do well at an Oscars trivia contest, that's what editors are for.  But this is nitpicking, considering the depth and breadth of what is truly a great American success story.  Everything you would expect in the life of Woody Allen is here: the many nights at Elaine's with A-list celebs and D-list food, his love of Manhattan and Europe, his fatalistic outlook on life, his creative control over each movie, the women, the jazz, a thankfully limited number of political remarks, and, oh, yeah, did I forget to mention that Mia Farrow thing?

Allen devotes a good deal of time to telling his side of the messy drama that dominated the headlines in 1992.  While I thought Allen's having an affair with his girlfriend's daughter was morally not so nice, I never for a second believed Farrow's absurd allegation that Allen sexually abused their daughter Dylan.  Allen tells his side so matter-of-factly yet avoids coming across as angry or bitter, though he has every right to be both.  Farrow, it turns out, is the angry, bitter, and madly vindictive one.  It pains him that Farrow, who on her best day makes Joan Crawford seem like Donna Reed, used his children against him.  They were brainwashed by Farrow, including Ronan, who despite being a hero of the #MeToo movement because of his exposés of Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer, is complicit in keeping the allegations against Allen alive.

The actors who worked with Allen in the past who have since regretted it are total mental weaklings kowtowing to #MeToo and other similar movements.  Allen points out how Timothée Chalamet and several other stars of his last completed film A Rainy Day in New York (2019, never released in the U.S.) donated their entire salaries to "woke" causes.  What most people don't realize is nobody gets rich off of acting in a Woody Allen film.  "This is not as heroic a gesture as it seems," writes Allen, "as we can only afford to pay the union minimum, and my guess is if we paid more usual movie money, which often runs quite high, the actors might have righteously declared they'd never work with me but would leave out the part about donating their salary."

Even Michael Caine, a fairly intelligent bloke who owes his first Oscar to Woody, says he would not work with him again.  I mean, bloody bollocks, right?

Mia Farrow is clearly a disturbed woman.  She deprived Dylan and Ronan of knowing a father who completely loved and doted on them.  I also came away with a new take on Allen's relationship with Soon-Yi, to whom he has been married 23 years.  It's an odd but genuinely loving marriage, and he writes despite all of the negative press and legal shenanigans, he would do it all over again.

If you come to Apropos of Nothing just to read the juicy details of the Mia Farrow mess, you'll get your money's worth.  If you want an honest, enlightening, and extremely entertaining portrait of one of America's greatest writers and filmmakers, you'll get that too.  Either way, at 84 years old, Woody Allen has given us what may well be his most important artistic contribution yet.